July 14th Friday Feels
My feels were busted last Friday.
Since June 30th, most days were pretty good but there were some really bad parts. The food situation wasn't good some days now that I look back, but hardly any anxieties about it (yay?). I ran the High River Half Marathon on Canada Day and went to the rodeo with Lauren on the Sunday, got my PR and won fastest woman. I also saw an old friend I haven't seen in a while and got to cuddle a wiener... dog. Monday until Thursday at around 4:00 was good. Hot but good. Last weekend I house/doggo sat for Lauren and so now I have 2 new friends!! Last Sunday I ran the Stampede Road Race Half Marathon
Feels are still pretty busted.
So yeah, shit went down. People suck. Guys suck (no offence to some). A lot of old memories have been tarnished and as much as I don't want it to bug me, it does. I'm angry and hurt. I know I shouldn't be but I am, this was a person I loved, trusted and gave ALL of myself to, only to realize that he didn't love me like he said he did and my fear of not being good enough was true. This kills me and gives me a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach any time I think about it. It's so unfair that he can hurt me still, I REALLY don't want to give him that satisfaction because he isn't worth it. I wish he could feel that hurt. I wish he didn't sleep well at night. I wish he knew that I was the best thing to ever happen to him and he will never find someone like me again. I WISH I could plot some sort of revenge but that isn't who I am. I am very forgiving - too forgiving, as some people have told me. I'm kind and I have a big heart, but holy fuck am I angry. (Sorry for swearing, Momma and Mom #2)
I'm so angry with him, but more so I'm angry with myself. I kicked myself for MONTHS thinking I made the wrong decision and I shouldn't have given up, I wanted to get back into it and figured I was the one making the mistake, only to realize he gave up LONG before I ever did. He effected SO much of who I am, my mental health and has indirectly damaged all of my relationships since him. How could I let him do this to me?! It isn't fair! - I think by this time everyone knows who I'm talking about.
So Thursday night I went for a hard, fast run. I'm talking HARD and heavy metal fueled. It helped for a bit but I still feel like I have some built up anger which I should probably deal with rather than going the classic Kelsey route of pushing it aside and running away from it. I could honestly punch someone or full-out ugly cry. I'll start by just admitting how I'm feeling. Growth, right?? So what do I do to let out anger?? And I feel like I want to cry but I can't. I'm not used to this. Maybe I'll go axe throwing or shoot guns or something. Anyone have any ideas?? Anyone want to come with me??
That's a nice segway into my feelings of being really lonely lately. I've gotten VERY good at doing things alone and being alone but I miss my friends a lot lately. I really miss Kim and Janelle. I know that my decision to not go to Vegas as damaged our friendship and that kills me, but it was a decision I had to make and as it turns out it was a good thing I didn't go. I definitely did realize that this decision would make me lose some of my best friends. Some things I can go through alone and some things I can't. I'm hurting right now and as much as I appreciate my family's support, sometimes you just need your friends. But also, thank you Lauren for letting me bitch to you last Thursday and helping me momentarily plot some revenge. Love you!
Alright, bitching is out of the way.
ON A HAPPY NOTE
This week has been good. Running has been really good, the universe has been playing some funny games and I'm very interested to see what happens. I choose to believe that this shit I'm going through is going to somehow end up as a positive or put something really good in my path :)
I got to watch Lauren run in her first jackpot and I'm so incredibly proud of her and Bandit! You really are such an inspiration. You're going to do some amazing things, you beautiful woman.
I had to assess my career this week and I'll have to make some big decisions next week. Good things, I promise :)
What I'm proud of: Not punching anyone. Admitting how I feel. Avoiding getting close to someone who wants me to change and doesn't like me for me - not cool.
What I'm grateful for: Lauren, Megan, Alex, Ghost, Max, Tobi, Moose. I'm grateful for everyone reading this. I'm grateful that I moved on from a life that involved and revolved around one specific person (rhymes with Gary, also and forever known as dick head)
Happy Friday, cheers to the weekend. Tomorrow night I'll have a drink.