Friday Feels - June 23rd
I've decided to start blogging on Fridays. This is a thing now.
Happy Friday! I hope your week was good!
My week was pretty good. Well, it was a little weird actually. But good weird, if that makes sense.
Last weekend was an interesting one. On Friday I was feeling off both mentally and physically, which threw for a bit of a loop. Work was really hectic and in general I was feeling very unhappy with myself, very self-critical and I was feeling anxious about some current happenings in my life. Because I was feeling off I did not have my usual pre-race meal of rice and instead had 2 margaritas, a few crackers and some very questionable salsa my parents had in their fridge.
I had a serious and much needed conversation with someone that put some things into perspective for me and gave me a bit of a reality check. These conversations suck some times but they're needed, and even though they are tough at the time, as this one was, you can usually look back and realize it was a good thing. Plus, I'm all about getting thoughts and feelings out - better out than in!
I went to bed late, had margarita sleeps, some weird dreams and was not happy with my 4:30 alarm. I still wasn't feeling awesome in the morning and had zero desire to eat so I had coffee and that was it, not my usual race-morning breakfast. After realizing someone had broken into my car I had to pick up my sister and head to Black Diamond for the run for the Run To The Market. Not a great run but I was using it as a training long run, I was never planning on racing it. Plus, it's a really nice scenic route - washrooms excluded.
The rest of the weekend was relaxing and low key, mainly because I was really struggling with food. I was NOT feeling well at all. My stomach was internally trying to kill me so I was avoiding food for the most part. Sunday was good but I didn't eat much and could really feel it.
Monday was also not good and I left work early. Tuesday was a no-go.
I learned something really interesting while being sick. My brain and the way I think about food is definitely changing. Other than Friday or Saturday and letting my emotions decide I didn't want to eat, I have realized how much I now think of food as fuel, something I NEED to have and something I WANT to have. I wanted so badly to eat even when my body didn't want me to and I knew I had to. I felt so lethargic and dizzy when I was sick and I really hated it. I honestly used to love moments where I could avoid eating, it was a win for me, another meal I could miss without anyone noticing or giving me a hard time and it was something I could easily justify to myself. I wouldn't get anxiety about skipping a meal when I knew I probably shouldn't because I had extra reasons to believe I shouldn't eat. Now it's a little different. When I was sick it was like my body was my eating disorder and my mind was healthy me. They were battling each other but healthy me was stronger than ED and I knew I had to eat and didn't have a choice not to, and I was okay with it! This is big for me and I'm really happy about it.
Tuesday night I had something wonderful, surprising and amazing happen to me. I have a ridiculous smile just writing this. The universe is funny.
Wednesday was great. Back to work and back with my partner in crime. Killed an interval 10 km, RODE A MOTORCYCLE FOR THE FIRST TIME and other cool things.
Thursday was also awesome. I love Lauren and the people I work with. I destroyed a 8k FARTLEK and really tested my speed, then had a strength session with my wonderful coach. She kicked my ass. I'm doing cleans and box jumps now. We also had an amazing conversation about lactic acid, testing lactic threshold and how it is a good thing to add into my training routine.
And now it's Friday! A very beautiful Friday at that and I'm really looking forward to the weekend. It includes the High River Rodeo with Lauren and a 30km run.
What I'm proud of: Lately I've been trying my best to be open about how I feel and allowing myself to feel those feelings rather than resenting them or pretending I feel different. I'm really proud of how well I'm doing with this and I can't begin to explain how good it feels and how much more connected I feel with myself. I'm really trying to repair my relationship with myself and this is a great step in the right direction.
What I'm grateful for: Lauren, Megan, my family, Allan, Corrine and everyone who is close to me and allows me to open up and be vulnerable. That also goes for anyone reading this. Thank you for letting me be me and letting me talk about things that I would normally refuse to talk about. I REALLY appreciate it and I am SO grateful to have you in my life.