I'm not a fan of celebrating or making a big deal about my birthday, I never have been. I don't like the attention and really, it just ends up being like every other day. But sometimes with cake.
25 was hard.
I will go as far as to say that this has been the most difficult year of my life. I accepted and acknowledged my eating disorder, committed to recovery, made the decision of turning away love to work on myself, had my heart broken, pushed people away because I was afraid to get hurt, lost friends and learned who truly cares, confronted a lot of feelings and emotions I have been avoiding and I have struggled with depression, anxiety, self-hate and loneliness - mainly in silent. There have been many days that I didn't want to get out of bed, I've wanted to hide or run away from my problems, there were days where I wanted to turn around on my recovery and go back to where I was and I have been in a mental fight with myself every single day. But I didn't give up and started to fight back because, although it was one of the worst years of my life, it was also one of the best years of my life.
In the last year I have learned to ask for help and to let people in, I learned how to let myself acknowledge and feel my feelings, I have become better at speaking my mind, I've learned that the people who truly care aren't going anywhere, I have started to build a better relationship with myself, I've learned to talk about my disorder (including writing this little blog) and I've become aware of what I desire out of life and love. And those are just the mental and emotional things!
I have a job that I love with an amazing company and have been lucky enough to have found a work family that makes me feel valued and respected, who encourages, supports and motivates me both in and out of work. I have been blessed with an amazing working and personal friendship with my supervisor, who has immensely restored my believe in the universe, is a constant reminder that everything is going to be okay and always keeps me positive. I also cannot thank the universe enough for introducing me to LAUREN, my partner in crime, my better half, who is now such an amazing part of my life and I can hardly go a day without talking to. I am so happy I'm able to call her my friend and my colleague and I love her so much that we should probably just run away together.
In the last year my love and passion for running has grown so much and has truly become part of my identity, it has helped me in a way I could never fully express, has taken me to some amazing places and has allowed me to conquer some amazing goals. As 25 I completed 6 half-marathons, had a PR in the Vancouver Half, ran many 10 km races, won my division in a 15 km race, paced Ironman athletes in a 30 km, logged more hours than ever and, last but definitely not least, I ran my first full marathon - in case you didn't know.
I am sad to say that I have lost some friends over the year, including one of my best friends and someone I've had undying trust in for many years. I did however, meet some incredible people in the last year and have re-connected with people I had lost touch with. I've had many adventures with these friends, made new memories and I have been shown love and support through all of my struggles.
Anyone who knows me will know that I have this odd (yet somewhat amazing?) ability to always be positive, even when I'm going through hell. It might be a warped way of thinking or a coping mechanism but I can always SOMEHOW spin anything into a positive. Even when I was deep into my eating disorder or in moments of extreme depression, I was able to convince myself that it was a positive thing. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, whatever's supposed to happen will happen and that each of us are in the exact place we need to be in that exact time. So yeah, there were some really bad parts about being 25, but I wouldn't be the 26 yeah old I am if they didn't happen. I have learned and grown so much in this last year and to me that outweighs the bad parts.
So now I'm 26. I am in my late 20's. I know this year will have some tough times, I know that I will continue to struggle through recovery and with my self-love, I may continue to be alone in my romantic life, there will still be moments when I fight with myself - winning and losing, and hell YES there are going to be some tough kilometers that I'll be running, but I know that everything will be okay. I will overcome challenges, take on fears, mess up a couple of times and I will make a TON of memories. I have no idea what is ahead of me but I can't wait to find out.
Thanks for reading. I hope you're part of what makes this year amazing.
P.S. - I made some bold, very spontaneous and last minute decisions as a 25 year old ;)