I'm Not Good Enough
Something I really struggle with is feeling like I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve things.
Recently I'm really feeling like this.
I always feel like I can do more or do better in everything I do. I think most of the time this is just a bar I'm setting for myself, but it is an impossible bar to reach and yet I can't stop it.
I'm not pretty enough, I'm not strong enough, I'm not skinny enough, I don't run enough, I'm not fast enough, I don't strength or cross train enough, I don't eat clean enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not social enough, I'm not good enough at my job, I'm not good enough to have this blog, I can be a better friend, daughter, sister, I can be a better employee, a better person. I'm not good enough.
At the start line of a race I think I haven't done anything enough.
When I look in the mirror I can pick out a hundred things that aren't good enough and could be better.
I don't deserve to do well in races, I don't deserve to think I'm a good runner, I don't deserve to have such amazing friends or family, I don't deserve to have my job, I don't deserve to eat, I don't deserve to recover, I don't deserve to think I'm in recovery, I don't deserve to think I can qualify for Boston one day.
If I was only good enough at xxxxxxx or xxxxxxx was better (whatever it may be at the moment), I would be happy and everything would be ok. I beat myself up so bad when I make a mistake, do something wrong, think I did something wrong and every time I fall short of that bar.
I have moments where I've met my imaginary bar and I've felt proud and happy, but then I'll immediately set a next one even higher.
I am so frustrated and disappointed in myself for not feeling like I'm good enough and constantly pushing myself, but I'm also confused.
Isn't that also a good thing? To strive for greatness and strive for perfection? They say that's how you become successful. Is it a bad thing to want to push myself to do better and be better? To be the best version of myself.
The hardest thing to admit is that I'm not good enough for love, I don't deserve to be loved and I don't deserve to be happy.
Who do I think I am thinking that someone would love me? Why would they love me? Who am I kidding, they would never love me. I'm not good enough. It's because I gained weight, it's because I'm not pretty, I'm not interesting enough, it's because someone else is better than me.
I'm so tired of being proved right. I'm not good enough, I haven't been good enough yet.
When will I be good enough??