Today is a good day
I got through the other day when all I wanted to do was restrict but I knew I couldn't because of the marathon next weekend and honestly I just didn't want to. As much as I hated how I felt, I am trying my very best to trust the process, trust myself and continue with recovery.
Something I've been working on is allowing myself to feel my feelings. I don't like being vulnerable or emotional and I have a really hard time opening up to people. Because of that, I have subconsciously trained myself to hide my feelings - even from myself. I shove them into a closet and pretend they aren't there. It doesn't build up and eventually explode, it just sits there. I have become so cruel to myself that I don't let myself feel. So now if something comes up I'm spending the time to acknowledge how I'm feeling, feel that feeling and only allow myself to get over it once it has been identified.
I'm also slowly starting to express those feelings and be open and honest.
I am seeing someone very important to me this weekend and I told them that I was nervous about seeing them after so long and I said that I was feeling very self conscious about it because the last time they saw me I was much thinner. They know I don't believe them when they complement me or tell me not to be nervous or self conscious, I never have and it is something that will take me a while to be able to believe, but allowing me to aknowledge and feel my feelings is making me a lot more comfortable.
One step at a time.
Today is a good day :)